as you are...

I love to love you
...and your ways.
Your lies
Flaws and the tales you tell.
It feels almost like we've been apart too long.
You know,you sitting there and me looking at you
You fidgeting and me reading between the lines.
It feels warm in this room
Then cold...
And all these little things you price highly and sell
These little things that choke you like a bag of stifled emotions.
Try not to forget I've been here
Try not to forget I've loved you through it all.
Try not to forget that I love you,
...and your ways
Your lies.
Flaws and the tales you tell.

the difficulty that is us

She found safety in the numbers that were your words
Drifting in and out of consciousness...
On a high that was your love.
She longed
She lived
She hang onto the itty bitty ropes in promises you threw her.
" I don't know how not to love,
  How not to feel
  How not to be engorged in entire bliss"
She sang to you
Her feelings a little like math
Difficult to comprehend,to calculate...
To find an actual solution to.
But you liked...
And you "thought" you loved
And you drowned her songs in nothingness.
So now I sit and watch her become a shell
Empty and abandoned on a beach
No one,nothing to live in her
No bliss,
No songs,
No soul within us.
The difficulty that is us...

dreams of grandeur

I've had dreams of grandeur
Grand castles built on shifting sand
Promises of kingdoms at my feet
And instead my heart at yours.
I've had vivid dreams of arch's and spaces
Great hallways and halls lined with the things I desire
Instead,you,dear world saw it fit to to give me picture less frames
To give me empty bowls to fill me up
A tea cup of water to cleanse my soiled conscience.
I had dreams of grandeur...
Solid,rich ,delicious visions of what I thought I knew I wanted
Of what I knew I thought I needed
Now they sit at the bottom of this murky pool
Glorious and glowing,
Inviting me in with no way to reach them.
Nothing to bait them but what I thought I had known I wanted.

lost and found

I ran circles round a place I called home
Built bridges and laid foundations.
I ran circles round sandy dunes and lost my way...
The wind too strong,
My steps too light.
I sought broken pieces of time
Of sanity.
I sought love
I sought light
I found instead scattered pieces of my peace of mind.
I found instead renewed strength...
I found instead stability and devotion.
..I left my heart on the shifting dunes,
Imprinted and raw on the wet shores.
No longer longing to be loved
No longer needing to belong.
I left my heart beating on the shifting dunes
And carried the waves and sunlight home instead.

home sweet home

Cover me up
Carry me home.
Show me the road as it lay
The bits of gravel as they were
And the dust that is now.
Colour me up
Carry me home.
Are the buildings just as they were?
Colour and grace and madness
And strength and gusto
Enveloped in magic,all from afar
Or has the glow ceased to be
No more pixie dust
No more chiseled strong stone...
Build me up
Please carry me home.
To the softness and safety of the rugged corners
To the warmth of my cold floor
To the dampness and suffocating happiness of the love around me
Cover me up
And carry me home

the worst in words

Give it to me.
Lay your words on me
Let me feast on your kind and unkind
Devour,divide and conquer...
Hand your lies to me
Silver platter,your best China
Dash of malice,slice of happy then sad.
Count me in
Let's dish on your pools of colourful tales
Dirty,murky,muddy waters in which your truths swim
Your words feed me
Fill me up
Tear me up
Build me down
Make any sense?
Let me feast on your kind and unkind
Lay your words on me.

my kind of kind.

Pain is kind.
Kind,kind,kind...
Selfless in it's giving and inflicting and emotional disarmament
In it's Silent creeping in and out of chambers of the heart,tear ducts,fists and fake smiles.
So loyal it wouldnt let you go if you begged
Wouldn't dessert you if you ran.
Stuck to you
White and rice.
In awe with the ways in which pain keeps me warm
Pain draws me to the flame
The lonely moth in me.
Till my wing tips zing in the blue,the red and the yellow
And my body feels too heavy to carry around.
Lugging,panting, dragging myself to the open arms of my kind oppressor
Pain is seasonal in it's affliction but loves you enough to be permanent in its dents...
In it's bruises and mutilation
In it's ever present impulses.
In it's smile and its laughter
In its pieceing of your heart the absolute wrong way,
In it's freedom and its valour
In it's sacrifice today for an even bigger loss tomorrow.
In love with the math around it.
The ones and two's that total up to nothing.
The total chemistry behind this emotion
Pain is kind.
Kind,kind,kind.

Mental babbling

Journeys are meant  to be shared, right?
Savored and adored
Worked for and towards...
But this is a long one
And you are lagging behind
I'm not half sure  we speak the same language either.
I don't seek assurance
No yes' to my maybes...
I seek truths and confirmations.
I mean can we dance all night
And go at it all day
Can we love life and thrive through the complexities of this journey
It's simple for me
No arithmetic, no extra adjectives
Just madness and life
And love oozing out of every pore!
Sunlight
Sunshine
And lots of yes', no maybes
I want to live.
Chasing the unexpected
Crossing antique bridges that survived fires
 Friendships and fleeting moments
The soft grass under our hands and feet
Live. Love.
Assurity in all my confusion
Plenty of yes'
No maybes.

Separation anxiety

I'm lying, can you tell?
That these winding roads
Trees and rivers between
That the hills don't mean
We are further away
From each others beating hearts
That our lives don't depend solely on each other
And our paths haven't completely been covered up by the grass
Non existent bonds.
You're there
And I'm here
Intergalactic distances
I don't care if you go
Walk away...
Wait! please don't skip town...

I'm lying, can you tell?

Love. You.

Run little girl, 

Run! 

Your days are starting to fill up with odd cravings

You want what you don't  need. 

Long for self loathing

Broken bones 

face black and blue from how much you love.. 

How much you thought you loved. 

You, her, she wept. 

Till the sound of your cries became the Symphony to match his pummeling fists

And you wanted and needed and loved and longed... 

You craved and got addicted to the cuts his words created

The gashes, the bleeding.. 

Only thing his lust left. 

You ran and ran in circles right back into his arms. 

He took you in

Broke your will

Broke your smile 

Broke your halo

Broke your light

Broke. You. 

And your existence became syncopated with the darkest part of him.

 He cannot make you better. 

His hands cannot reunite the stray colours that make you 

Made you

Saved you. 

They run even faster still

From him. 

Run little girl, 

Run! 

Don't you know? 

There is no love where he lays. 

And nobody can love you like you are meant to be, like you can and like you should love you. 

Love. You. 

Brown paper bags

Wrapped in little brown papers bags are gifts I haven't opened yet
Little trinkets from around the world
Places I visit subconsciously...
Physically it's just you, me and these walls.
Mentally it's the stasis of this situation
Emotionally it's the weight from all the sad stories about how many ways your heart has been broken.

These little brown paper bags act as a shield.
Your shield
Your pains shield.
If I rip them off those shiny little bits and bobbles, will your tears no longer be held back?
In a world where my hurricane and your tsunami come out for a war of wits
Will your suffering, your sorrow,  overpower my aching?
Do these newspaper print bows on this brown paper bag canvas look like the shades of gray in your life?
I'm more of a shades of black girl
More of a caution in the wind type of girl.

Wrapped in these little brown paper bags are myths about life and love.
About the mountains I'd like to climb
Great Wall I'd like to scale...
Places only my mind can play games in.
But sceneries you have seen as he made promises to you
About grandeur
About a love that won't end
About treasures in his pants
And kingdoms between your legs.
About the infinite ways he loves you
Loves to love love and love you and love loving you as you love him.

I say we burn these little brown paper bags
I say we tear down these walls and cry
I say we celebrate our shades
Celebrate our collosal emotional storms.

Wrapped in little brown paper bags are gifts I haven't opened yet.
Gifts from places I don't care for.
Little trinkets from places you would rather forget.

Scattered thoughts

It's sunset and our laughter has died down. 

The waves are hardly there and the shore is damp and deserted. 

We now bathe and bask

Find new form and build foundations for our awkward silences. 

The lack of things to say, shrill and piercing.

A war of words, without raised voices.  

She asks, do you think of me?

Yes. Probably all the time and never. 

Do you build castles from the dirt our love became? 

Try to scribble little notes and say they are for me

Convince yourself it's all my influence, unwanted and unwarranted. 

My anger, seething beneath the surface because you will not let me out. 

When did I become your prisoner? 

And not you mine? 

It's getting cold out here but she doesn't want to go back inside 

I've probably had her hidden too long... 

Locked in dark chambers, basements and the occasional casket. 

So I have to resign to my discomfort for her comfort. 

With us it's love then hate

Mostly love and mostly hate. 

Did I think of her? 

Maybe all the time and never... 

Her memory dragged me down like a sinking anchor 

Yet lay lightly on my shoulders like snowflakes and feathers.

Tore me down, yet soothed me. 

Now it's just me and her as the darkness creeps in

As it squeezes between us where the sun rays were. 

As the cold intensifies and the tide is home to roost 

Just me and her... 

All the time and never.